Monday, February 14, 2011

Beholdher Beauty: Valentine's Day Suggestions for Monster Couples

I have always looked at monsters as being obstacles to overcome during a combat encounter.  Whether you kill them or not, there is more to monsters if you think about it. I recently DMed the paragon tier adventure P1: King of the Trollhaunt Warrens and absolutely fell in love with my monsters.  The writers of the module is are geniuses and idiots.  

They created the warrens, with monster groups and lodgings. I thought this concept very interesting cause I was the one to always play in the adventure and not DM these creatures.  Imagine this; Troglodytes living in an organized society, living harmoniously in their little caverns, minding their own business, spending time with their families, until....'The Adventurers' came in and slaughtered them all.  This is why I think the writers are idiots.  I fell in love with these monsters and it does not help that my imagination created a society from this adventure. 
When my party entered the quarters and started shooting up the place, I was sad that my little village had been destroyed.  I started thinking:  why can't monsters get the same kind of attention that racial humanoids get when it comes to organization, structure and civility.  Monsters are not well understood in this game, they are just a statistic.  Now you will tell yourselves, 'Man this Alton guy is going off the chart!' with this monster thing.  Maybe I am and maybe I'm not!  I am going to write an article a little later on about the monsters and how giving them some humanity can make for a much better adventure.  That is another story.

What I am going to talk about on this Valentine's Day is about monsters.  You ask me what about them, and I say:

'What would MONSTERS get their spouses for Valentine's Day!!!'

Today I will compile a list of common monsters we face in our campaigns and attempt to bring some humanity to them by telling you what I think they would give their spouses for Valentine's Day.
  1. Orcs:  I see him bringing his spouse to a clearing full of fresh kills from a caravan raid.  He would then show her his fresh wounds received while setting up this gift.  He would then bring over a couple of arms and legs of freshly deceased caravaneers and romantically feed them to each other.
  2. Goblins:  This one is hard, since they live communally.  I would think that the chieftain would celebrate this day by offering one of his slaves on a spit around the communal firepit, where everyone would partake in the consumption of the flesh.  Slave dancing and acrobatics to follow.
  3. Kobolds: I find this one is cute.  The male would steal away his loved one and go on a sacrificial offering to their local dragon. 
  4. Drow: The male would pledge eternal servitude, give her a spider as a present, and then later be sacrificed to the godess Lolth.
  5. Ogres: Extremely dull-witted, the male could offer the female to come and wrestle with the rest of the village as a romantic evening.
  6. Dragons: If the dragon is really in love, then would probably offer as a first Valentine's Day present part of his horde. For future offerings, he would offer up the kobold and his wife as dinner (see #3).
  7. Beholders: A beholder would spend the year conquering a subterranean village and enslave all those who survive.  He would then blindfold his darling and float to the conquered town where the survivors, would be prostrate in front of their new leader.
Monsters can be romantic in their own special way!  We never talk about monsters in this fashion, because the ones we face are the one's no longer able to celebrate Valentine's Day with their spouses.